The House of Mirabella (Andheri, Mumbai)

Despite the ineffably “cool” sounding name, House of Mirabella has to be up there with one of the most uncongenial encounters in Andheri. Firstly, the menu in 26 point comic sans or some equally repulsive typeface looks like it has been written by a dyslexic 4 year old. Even still the waiter isn’t able to decipher my order for a “grilled cheese”; it seems like a safe bet in this rather weathered venue. Apparently my two ingredient dish – cheese and bread – is unavailable…whatever next?

If you can imagine for a moment, Prime Minister Modi walking into a G-Eazy rap concert and trying to bust out some hip hop bars in English, that would get somewhere close to the level of inauthenticity of the Veg Quesadillas that arrive. The tortilla wraps, small thinned out wholewheat rotis, are a feeble excuse for a Mexican imitation. The vegetables inside are tossed in some offensively garlic-heavy, over-seasoned pesto and are held together by gluey cheese.

There’s some Johnny Walker PR stunt going on in the venue – in essence, it seems to involve a girl in a racing shell suit trying to sell me some overpriced bottles of JW. It’s a Sunday afternoon, for heaven’s sake. I’m sure even the most visceral accounts of addiction and alcoholism, didn’t start in this manner.

We proceed with the Caesar Salad and Hummus, sticking to potentially two of the most mundane, but tried and tested dishes de nos jours. How far wrong can one go? The hummus has a strange skin in places, perhaps left too long in the open and it looks like they have tried to recreate Stonehenge with the arrangement of wheat crackers on top. Just to make sure you really do get to the nadir of food enjoyment, the kitchen has decided to add some incinerated onions and what looks like mushrooms on the top of the dish. The caesar salad looks as limp as a wet rag and I’m thankful I don’t have to consume it.

To sum it up succinctly, the House of Mirabella experience is akin to those nauseated states of cold sweat and panic, which wake you up in the middle of night and leave you relieved that you are still conscious…

After being off the food writing for some time, in the words of one rather maligned rockstar:

Hello, hello. it’s good to be back.

AA Connoisseur

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